


Not HER Doctor

by sunsetroots



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/M, sort of angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 23:45:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4542108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetroots/pseuds/sunsetroots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River dies with the Doctor, but not HER Doctor. Everything's got to end sometime; otherwise nothing would ever get started. And it was hard to say goodbye, when he was clinging onto the memory of her so tightly. - River's thoughts in Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not HER Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this on ff.net years ago and only just realised i never put it up on here so here it is!! as it was written years ago it's not my greatest, the writing's a bit off but i still wanted it up here for some reason. enjoy x

She sends the message to his physic paper and, as always, he’s there. He came when she called.

She greets him with her usual smirk and a, “Hello, sweetie,” expecting _something_ in return, some flicker of recognition.

Instead all she got was a sharp look and a harsh, “Get out.”

At first she assumed he was just caught up in the moment, in the danger and focusing on getting them out and solving the problem.

Then maybe she thought he was pretending, he must have had some reason, he always did, but she doesn’t know this face, this isn’t _her_ Doctor, not the stupid idiot in the bowtie so he’s harder for her to understand.

But she realised soon enough, after pulling out _their_ diary, full of _her_ memories, _his_ future, asking about the Byzantium, where her mother had first met her, and Asgard, and having the Doctor completely blank her, face nothing but confusion, made her realise that _the day_ might have come.

“Doctor, _please_ tell me you know who I am,” she almost whispers it, and her voice is so close to breaking. He _had_ to know her, he _had_ to. It was way too soon, she wasn’t ready for a Doctor this young. She wasn’t ready for it to end; she wanted to stay with him forever.

River had known this day was coming from the moment she had saved him in Berlin, she had told her father her fears about this day when they were hunting the Silence, “ _The day's coming when I'll look into that man's eyes, my Doctor, and he won't have the faintest idea who I am. And I think it's going to kill me.”_

And she was right, it was killing her. She wondered vaguely if this was how the Doctor had felt back in Berlin, but then, she thought, at least he wasn’t programmed to kill her and his parents weren’t there, watching.

She missed her parents. She missed Amy, Rory and the Doctor’s stupid friendship and the grins and idiotic banter they always had for each other.

And she missed her Doctor, the awkward idiot in the bowtie, who tapped her on the nose and grinned and flirted with her.

This Doctor was much more serious, less light-hearted.

“Who are you?” the Doctor asked, frowning. River’s hands slipped from his face and, for once, she was unable to find words suitable. Luckily she was interrupted by the phone, which she was very grateful for because what was she supposed to say?

I’m Professor River Song.

I’m your best friend’s daughter.

I’m your wife.

All were true.

And all hurt. Because the name Professor River Song meant nothing to him, he hadn’t even met Amy and Rory yet, and, well as for being his wife…

Technically they weren’t married, something River hadn’t failed to notice the Doctor had never attempted to rectify. They had married in alternate timeline, which then was destroyed and therefore never happened, and besides it wasn’t a real ceremony as he didn’t tell her his name, merely telling her to look in his eyes to show her the plan.

He’d told her his name in Berlin in fact, the first time they’d ever met… for her. She realised why now.

“One day, I’m going to be someone you trust completely, but I can’t wait for you to find that out. And I’m sorry. I’m really, very sorry,” and she’d leant up on tiptoe and whispered in his ear.

Because she had to know. She had to know to get him to trust her, here, in the Library. And he’d been dying and the last thing on his mind had been her, getting his past self to trust her.

“You know… it’s funny. I keep wishing the Doctor was here,” she told Anita later.

“The Doctor is here, isn’t he? He’s coming back right.”

River just sighed. “You know when you see a photograph of someone you know, but it's from years before you knew them? It's like they're not quite... finished, they're not done yet. Well... yes, the Doctor's here. He came when I called, just like he always does. But not _my_ Doctor. Now my Doctor... I've seen whole armies turn and run away,” at the Pandorica, practically the entirety of his enemies had backed off because of his ‘epic speech’, or with the Silence, or the Angels, or anything they’d ever faced together… “And he'd just swagger off back to his TARDIS and open the doors with a snap of his fingers. The Doctor... in the TARDIS... Next stop: everywhere.”

The Doctor rudely interrupted her with a gruff, “Spoilers.”

The word sounded wrong, like he’d said it without understanding what it meant, without understanding that with every spoiler, River felt guilty, that River felt miserable because it meant there was more she _knew_ and he _didn’t._ She put on a false bravado most of the time, being slightly arrogant at times, because she knew more than them, pretending that made her better, but it really didn’t. It just made her miserable.

“No one can open a TARDIS with the snap of their fingers, doesn’t work like that.”

“It does for the Doctor.”

“I _am_ the Doctor.”

“Yeah, some day,” River said. It was a cheap shot, she knew, but she couldn’t help herself, the words came out before she gave them permission and she instantly regretted them, seeing the irritation on the Doctor’s face.

As their time in the Library grew on and River realised what the Doctor was going to try to do, hooking himself up to the computer, which would probably end in him dying, she did the only logical thing.

“Lux can manage without me,” she said. “But you can’t,” and she stood up from Anita’s remains and knocked him out.

When he came round again it was too late, she’d already handcuffed him to a pillar.

She ignored his protests, trying to make a joke out of it, but in reality she was scared. She didn’t want to die, of course not, no one ever does, it was bad enough regenerating.

But it was her or the Doctor so there was really no choice at all. After all, she’d chosen him over the _Universe_ before.

“This is not a joke, stop this now, this is gonna kill you! I’d have a chance, you don’t have any.”

But he was wrong. _The Doctor was wrong_. He didn’t have a chance either. Because she wasn’t going to let him have it, she was going to save _him_ for once; she wasn’t going to let him destroy the best memories of her life.

She told him about Darillium because, screw timelines. She didn’t care at this point. He’d cried, oh _god_ he’d _cried_ , he’d given her his _screwdriver_ why didn’t she realise, she should have _realised_ , why hadn’t she realised?

“There’s nothing you can do,” she told him.

“You can let me do this!”

“If _you_ die here, it’ll mean I’ve never met you,” and River was much too selfish for that.

“Time can be rewritten.”

She remembered saying that exact same sentence to him, on a beach in Utah, dressed in an astronaut’s suit, about to kill him. He’d just gritted his teeth and ground out, “Don’t you _dare_.”

“Not those time, not one line, don’t you _dare,_ ” River said, echoing the Doctor. Or maybe he’d said that on the beach, remembering _this_. “It’s okay,” she reassured him. “It’s okay, it’s not over for you, you’ve got all that to come,” and it wasn’t, he still had all that to go, meeting her parents, the Pandorica, the Angels, Clara… everything was still in the future for him. “You and me,” she smiled. “Time and space. You watch us run.”

She didn’t even notice the tear falling down her cheek.

“River, you know my name.”

River winced. Ten seconds left. Ten seconds left with the Doctor.

But not _her_ Doctor.

“You whispered my name in my ear,” the Doctor continued and that was not helping, she needed to concentrate, she needed focus and calm and dammit she needed _her Doctor._ “There’s only one reason I’d tell anyone my name. There’s only one time I could…”

“Hush now,” River smiled at him, her vision foggy with the tears from her eyes. “Spoilers,” she whispered before plugging the final cables together and being blinded by bright white light.

 _Everybody knows that everybody dies…_ but somehow, miraculously, the Doctor had found a way to save her, one last time.

River couldn’t help but feel slightly bitter about being abandoned, _her_ Doctor hadn’t even said goodbye, merely left her _like a book on a shelf_ , to be forgotten.

At least he made sure she wouldn’t be lonely. CAL had supplied her with virtual copies of her crew.

No, her _friends._

“He just can’t do it can he? That man, that impossible man. He just can’t give in.”

But half of her wished he had. Because after all, some days nobody died at all, but as he’d said himself, all things had their time and everything _must_ die.

Everything’s got to end sometime; otherwise nothing would ever get started.

And it was hard to say goodbye, when he was clinging onto the memory of her so tightly.


End file.
